Heat-Seeking Missle

I guess we should all be grateful now that John (I am the Walrus) Bolton has been unceremoniously shown the door. True, he was an unrepentant warmonger, always pounding his little fists and flapping his chicken hawk wings, squawking for regime change, nuclear strikes or obliteration of some enemy, real or contrived. But the idea that his departure means that U.S. foreign policy is now safely back in the hands of adults? Well, let me just say that I have some mighty primo real estate to sell you down in Florida.

As many have pointed out, the only real decider in this policy arena is Cheeto Jesus himself, and there have been several pieces written about how his various advisers serve as mere props to legitimize his chaotic, impulse-driven policy making. Still, there are those who have shown themselves to be more adept than others in maneuvering to influence the White House's halfwit enfant terrible.

Mike Pompeo, the Secretary of State, has been one of the few members of Trump's cabinet who has been mentioned as having an almost a preternatural knack for anticipating the president's brain fart du jour. Then, elbowing aside his rivals, he rushes in, like a "heat-seeking missile," straight up into the Donald's backside, all the while mobilizing the foreign policy apparatus to make it happen. He has shown even greater skill in providing intellectually specious bubble gum and tinfoil rationales to prop up the president's numbskullery so that U.S. foreign policy maintains a thin veneer of seriousness.

Before we get too excited, let's not forget that Mike Pompeo is a Koch Brother Muppet. His failing business survived thanks only to their libertarian largess, which also underwrote his election into the U.S. House of Representatives in 2010, the Year of the Teabag. While there, he quickly made his mark by blustering about the nothing burger that was Benghazi and bellowing for U.S. military intervention in Iran. He is an unrepentant hawk who would happily see the U.S. extend its endless, needless global war on fill in the blank. The only thing that has restrained him so far from vocalizing such a vision has been his laser focus on pleasing his master in the Oval Office. I have little doubt, however, that he would push the president to plunge this nation into another dead end military boondoggle were such an opportunity to arise.

So, dry your tears for the man with the toilet brush mustache and start counting the days for when, G-d forbid, Mikey "the Missile" Pompeo finally hits his mark.